So, here’s what I’ve been asking myself this week; why do dads get such a rough deal in the divorce process?
At the moment (and this will change in time, I’m sure of it) it’s still usual for mums to become the primary carer of the children after a separation – ie. the kids stay with her for the majority of the time and have ‘visit’s to their dads new home. We’re not quite at a place of balance and fairness yet … but this is changing as more and more families strive for dignified divorces.
I’ve noticed too that some common language usage influences how we ‘label’ some non-resident dads. I hear:
“he walked out on them” (the reality: the relationships was toxic. Someone had to leave the family home for the emotional health of the family’s future – it was easier for the dad to do it.)
“he doesn’t know his children” (the reality: he knows his children differently to how the mum knows them. He’s had less opportunity to put in the hours of relating to the children … because he’s been working 40 hours per week ++ since they were born to provide financially for the family.)
“he’s always out socialising at night now – it’s so easy for him!” (the reality: his heart’s breaking that he can’t see his children each night or be in a place where he can fulfill his instinct to provide for and protect his children. He’s driven to keep busy or he’d sink into a depression he might struggle to get out of).
Given the opportunity mums … would you swap places? Would you want to have the access to your children restricted to a Wednesday evening and every 2nd weekend? I think there are challenges and benefits for BOTH sides – the resident parent and the non-resident. The biggest healing for all of us is to invest time and understanding in rebuilding respect for each other as we grow and learn as parents of an extended family.
Here’s a distinction I find useful: most of us have ex’s who were unskilled husbands (as we were unskilled wives) … we must not assume though that that means they areunskilled fathers! We can choose to live separately as adults but as compassionate mums let’s agree that encouraging and empowering our children’s dad to be in relationship with his sons and daughters, is not a option … it’s a must!! It’s the VERY least our kids deserve!
There really is no ‘right’ way to do family from 2 addresses. It’s important to work out how both parents see the extended family working best, whilst prioritising what’s needed for the children … and being flexible as the kids get older and our working, living and relationship circumstances change.
If your communication with your ex isn’t robust enough to create this ideal … invest in yourself and you future. Save time, legal fees, conflict and stress by hiring a divorce or life coach, a councellor or an nlp practitioner. Just please let’s none of us settle for assumptions, labels or negativity.
I choose to be grateful for the choice to do family in a new shape – and I choose to invest my time and talents learning to be the best mum, ex wife, entrepreneur, encourager of others and enlightened soul that I can be in this lifetime.
Namaste good people!!
Jen
x
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR E-ZINE OR WEB SITE? You can!! Just ensure the article contains this final paragraph: “Success Coach, Jennifer Broadley publishes her award-winning ‘Dynamic Parenting’ weekly ezine to 1,000s of subscribers globally. If you are ready to embrace happiness and success in your parenting, your career, your finances, your relationships and your life-goals, sign up for her free special report now at www.SuccessfulSingleParenting.com”
About Jennifer Broadley Jennifer Broadley is one of the UK’s top executive and corporate coaches and specializes in the publishing, media and entertainment industry. Her empowering results are punctuated through teaching Intuitive Action and the practical integration of Universal Law. She has also been a single parent for over 8 years and is passionate about encouraging great family, whatever the circumstances.
Last year myself and my daughter moved from London to Scotland. Good in many ways. Challenging in others.
One part of this move has required me, my daughter and my ex to have to ’stretch’ a bit as an extended family. It’s the distance. With us now living 500 miles away, my daughter has had to learn, from the age of 6 (she’s now 7) to fly, by herself, from Aberdeen to London once a month to see her dad. ALSO, I’ve had to get used to him coming to stay in our house in Scotland once a month … and it’s this that I want to focus on today.
You know, there’s definitely a reason why couples divorce. Often it’s based around different values which leads over time, to developing a way of communicating and being around each other that has an increadible lack of respect. This builds up resentments over time as we disagree on how to raise our children; who earns what and spends what; male and female roles and what’s ‘right’; and who contributes to what chores how regularily. In the end, there are such gaping holes in these areas that even the professionals agree the relationship’s beyond repair and we have to agree to transition to doing family from 2 separate addresses.
But what happens (like with me this weekend) when, for a short time, you have to be under the same roof as ‘that jerk’ again (and I acknowledge the feeling’s mutual – I’m a ‘jerk’ in his eyes I’m sure!)?
In my case the strategies that work best for me are – courtesy, discipline and meditation (lot’s of it!). I tell myself ‘Breath deeply, smile sincerely and be grateful to further develop gifts of patience, allowing and non-judgement. This too shall pass.’
Although I did succeed with this for 48 hours, if there’s anyone out there who’s under any illusion that I’m destined for sainthood … rest assured, within an hour of my ex leaving (and ensuring my daughter was fully sleeping and well out of earshot!!) I was on the phone to my friend, viciously venting (to my shame … but ‘uh it felt good to get it out – and ‘oh my colorful language’ you did NOT want to hear that!!)
So another experience to learn from and another week wiser.
The practice of divorcing and separating well is a relatively new one, so there’s a whole new set of skills to learn. Our children deserve our very best effort with this. Go easy on yourself though. Haven’t we all got things we’d do differently if we had the chance? I have an ever-expanding list of ‘flops’ for sure (but the list of what I’m getting better at is growing too!)!!
If you have any pieces of knowledge that you’ve gleened through your divorce and separation, feel free to share. I’d love to hear your stories!
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR E-ZINE OR WEB SITE? You can!! Just ensure the article contains this final paragraph: “Success Coach, Jennifer Broadley publishes her award-winning ‘Dynamic Parenting’ weekly ezine to 1,000s of subscribers globally. Her pioneering new video program ‘COURAGEOUS CO-PARENTING’ is the first of it’s kind anywhere in the world. Check it out at www.SuccessfulSingleParenting.com/secrets.html “
In conversation with a 60-something grandmother yesterday, we got onto the subject of ‘this business of divorce’.
When I told her that the number of divorces each year in the UK is almost equal to the number of marriages, she said ‘Oh, that’s such a shame’.
And later on I thought about that!
Is it a shame? OR … is it a sign that our life choices and expectations are broadening?
Was it a shame when men stood up against national service and demanded a right to choose? Was it a shame that uncomfortable decades existed while women requested equal rights in the workplace? Was it a shame when traditions and assumptions were challenged over generations to create inclusion for all races, faith groups and sexual orientations?
All social transitions feel uncomfortable for a period of time. Once we debate past thinking enough for new thinking to emerge, and once we trial and improve the practical application of that change (mixed gender schooling, women fire-fighters, male nurses, gay couple adoption, successful divorces … whatever!) then integration of that choice can be more easily accepted (in time!!).
It worked for dictatorships giving way to democracy, it worked for the original ‘death-trap’ cars becoming a family staple, it worked for the disabled in everyday workplaces, and it worked for equal and free education to every boy and girl of civilized nations.
We can see from history then, that stepping out of ‘the right’ family model and parents choosing to do family from 2 different addresses, is only bad if it’s done badly. If it’s done with respect, consideration and continued commitment to our children, then for many it can be one of the most liberating choices we might ever make!
‘Change is the only constant’ a wise man once said. And our continued vision to challenge the norms and ask ‘how could this change be GOOD?’ is what progress and evolution of our species has always been about.
Let’s hold a vision for loving expressions of family of ALL types. Let’s learn the skills to make that expression a healthy one. Let’s look at ourselves as pioneers as we encourage mums, dads and children of extended, blended AND nuclear families to design their future expecting ‘more for all and less to none’!
Change is designed to take us way out of our comfort zones, so we question, we challenge assumptions, and we grow. Ultimately our understanding is enriched and we become greater expressions of intellect, emotion and spirit because if it.
My vision is that, as pioneers of ‘choice for families globally’, we each grow in gratitude, trusting our contribution to a richer, brighter, more diverse future for our planet!
Be the change you want to see!
Jennifer
xxx
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR E-ZINE OR WEB SITE? You can!! Just ensure the article contains this final paragraph: “Success Coach, Jennifer Broadley publishes her award-winning ‘Dynamic Parenting’ weekly ezine to 1,000s of subscribers globally. If you are ready to embrace happiness and success in your parenting, your career, your finances, your relationships and your life-goals, sign up for her free special report now at www.SuccessfulSingleParenting.com
As I was waiting for the kettle to boil this morning I looked out of the patio doors, across to Montrose basin, where hundreds of thousand of geese arrived from Alaska last November to spend the winter in our warmer climate. They leave each morning to find a feeding ground (normally a grain or stubble field) and return to the basin (a tidal sea lake) as the sun’s setting.
Geese are hugely sophisticated birds both in their socialising and their journeying and survival habits.
they’re able to fly for hundreds of miles non stop by creating a v-shape formation with a leader taking the strain of the air flow from the front. Every subsequent bird can then fly in the slip stream of another – less strain. More energy saved to fly longer distances
periodically the lead goose will change allowing a rested bird to lead the way and therefore setting a continuous pace for progress
if one bird needs to drop back, at least one other goose will join it so it isn’t left alone and so that it has other birds to form a mini-v with to catch up with the main flock when it’s ready.
So, stay with me on this one. I haven’t gone all ‘bird-brained’ … there is a point!!
As I stood I noticed two separate flocks, each of a couple of hundred birds had just taken off. One headed north west and the other went due north following the coastline. From a range of massive v-shapes I saw a single goose leave the flock, change direction and fly back towards the basin from where they’d started. It stood out because it was alone.
Initially I though it must be heading towards the 2nd flock but it reached them and continued on it’s own course. Clearly it had a purpose. Then I saw a separate goose break away from the 2nd flock and join this bird flying alone. They’d seperated themselves from both flocks and for a minute or so, flew together. Instead of flying higher, they together headed landward. And after crossing about 10 fields, they flew lower still and landed in a field of grass where a much smaller gaggle of geese were happily eating.They found their space and got on with a day’s grazing.
“Amazing. AND bold!” I thought. And this is what it made me think:
Sometimes we head out there with the best intentions as part of the crowd … and that’s ok!
If we’re not heading where we’re supposed to, we’ll get an increasingly strong sense to change direction.
In following that sense, we may have a period where it appears that we are ‘out on our own’
Following that guiding force will lead us to connect with who and what our journey has in store for us
And ultimately we will re-group with a new network, aligned with our purpose and perfectly equipped to deliver our purpose, our happiness and our life’s needs.
It’s the first day of the second month of 2010. If you have a sense that your intuition is asking you to step up, to step out from your present crowd and to risk changing direction. Trust that!!
I don’t say this lightly. I have been walking that talk, flying apart from the crowd, for some time now. And I can honestly say that although I’m stretched to be, do and have more on a daily basis, I live with a sense of freedom, happiness, hope and purpose that makes each day an utter joy!
My experience has taught me to:
Live life on purpose.
Face my fears.
Follow my intuition.
Trust!
Know this: that opportunities are everywhere – perfectly designed for the miracle of who you are today!
Stay amazing!
Jennifer
xx
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR E-ZINE OR WEB SITE? You can!! Just ensure the article contains this final paragraph: “Success Coach, Jennifer Broadley publishes her award-winning ‘Dynamic Parenting’ weekly ezine to 1,000s of subscribers globally. If you are ready to embrace happiness and success in your parenting, your career, your finances, your relationships and your life-goals, sign up for her free special report now at www.SuccessfulSingleParenting.com
“We don’t water the flower when it blooms, we water it so that it will” Naomi Aldort
This week I’ve had cause, through conversations with friends, clients and my daughter, to consider what love is … as an action word. Where does love begin? How does it grow? How is it sustained? And how does it keep working, even when the focus of our love doesn’t want it any more?
There are SO many layers to these questions so for now, I’m going to just stick with the love from a parent to a child …
Love in it’s purest sense is often easiest expressed in our relationship with our children. They came into being through us, they have a period of dependance and they often begin to reflect some of our own values and physical traits back to us (I had no idea I said ‘give me a minute’ so much until my daughter’s every thinking pause is now accentuated by those exact words).
Love might be easier towards our children in a practical sense because there are some tools we can apply with them that we perhaps can’t apply to our adult relationships. There’s an element of ‘moulding’ available to us with our children … so if we don’t like that they leave the towel wet, in a pile, on the bathroom floor, we can teach them to hang it up; if we’re uncomfortable with raised voices, we can model to them calmness and self-control.
Our children can be a challenge on a few occasions (some more than others), but we stick with them and we trust that our being present and consistent is contributing to bringing out their best. At the end of the day, we focus on their goodness, their victories, their progress, their talents and their hopeful and opportunity-filled future.
Love towards our children, on every level, is a given. We offer it when it feels good to us, and when they reciprocate. We offer it when it’s painful for us, or when we see them in pain. We offer it knowing that it has an eternal supply.
Sometimes it helps me to remember that love existed in me waaaaay before I was born. It’s the energy that ‘thought’ me into being. It’s the energy that flows through me every second of every day and, when I allow it, it’ll create miraculous legacies that go on through time – in my children, in my friends, through my cyber-relationships, my extended family, my grandchildren and their grandchildren.
Looooong after you’re gone, the legacy of YOUR love in action will change the world too! Woohoo!
What a rollercoaster of a week! I’ve been meditating and journaling my little cotton socks off for the last 7 days getting clarity around what I want for the rest of this month and for 2010.
I’m finding I’m being reminded to ‘think big’. And how much more I can expect because I can access the basics of universal principle (the simplest and most effective of which is ‘Thought become Things’ … so pick the good ones!).
We sometimes name this other dimension ‘intuition’ or spot it as ‘coincidence’. It’s the acknowledgement that, as expressions of energy, we’re connected to absolutely everything – people, nature, the universe, all that’s gone before and all that’s coming up. Intense, yeah?
I call this energy ‘Source’. Like the source of where everything started and, like homing pigeons, the source to which we all return at some point (whether it’s in this life or as it ends … but we’ll all ‘return’, that’s for sure). Some call the energy Spirit, God, Allah, The Universe, The Higher Self … there are so many different names for this one universal power.
Knowing and living this truth means there are no limits in what we can be, do have, share or become. Like baking a great cake though, we DO have to learn that recipe first. It’s like saying ‘I have access to a stunningly powerful Formula 1 car … shall I just use the skills I have from driving my Ford Fiesta?’
Hmm … let’s get you some tuition!!
My commitment for 2010 is to share with the tribe (my SuccessfulSingleParenting.com subscribers AND my private coaching clients) the skills needed to raise the game on a practical, intellectual AND universal level. This knowledge is not for the ‘normal’, it’s not for the ’safe’, it’s not for the faint hearted. It’s for all parent-professional adventurers out there. Those willing to invest in themselves to be more, do more, share more, think more, have more.
If that’s you, then for 2010 I want you in my ‘tribe of superstars’, striding out and creating an unlimited future.
I’m grateful to have you with me on this journey. Are you in?
You know, two weeks ago, I flew down to London to attend court as a character witness for a friend of mine who hadn’t seen his daughter for 9 whole months. He was (and still is) in conflict with his ex-wife – not one person more to blame than the other, just an extended family 5 years on with still-unresolved emotions. This is the part of divorce we have to get better at because without guidance these emotions become complex, then destructive, then spill over into irrational behavior and, worst case scenario, parental alienation. A damaging situation for all involved.
This is the tip of the iceberg in cases where the court isn’t free or emotionally informed enough to act on the big picture. In this case, the father was required to complete a 30-session anger management course (thirty sessions – ‘ker-ching’ for the course leader!). And the mother? Not a thing. Not divorce coaching, behavioral therapy, family councelling … nada! Meanwhile there’s a little girl living with an stress ridden mummy and estranged from her daddy for 9 more months minimum.
The first universal principle for success in all decisions is this ‘More for all, less for none’. In this particular situations there are no winners, not mum, dad or child (hmm… the lawyers – let’s not go there!!) .
So contrast that outcome with this; the parents of a family choose that they no longer want to co-habit. Their values have changed, they live in tension day after day, they each love their children passionately but it’s become intolerable and a physical and emotional health risk for everyone concerned to continue to live as a nuclear family with both adults under the same roof ’til death do us part’.
The solution? To proactively change that family design. At the point where the decision to divorce or separate is reached, call the professionals (and I don’t mean the lawyers). There are divorce coaches, mediators and co-parenting specialists out there (you can call me!). There’s quality information and knowledge on this topic all over the place IF you choose up front that you want to make this transition with dignity, respect and in peace for the long term.
So, the parents talk it through with their professional of choice. (Don’t attempt this process unaided! A doctor wouldn’t splint his own leg!!!). They plan it. They manage the change. They process it at an adult level. Only then is it communicated, positively and collaboratively, to the children and age-appropriately processed with them over time too. In a very short time a warring nuclear family can evolve into an informed, emotionally-intelligent new extended family. New boundaries. New skill sets. New hopes for the future!
Like every new social change we’ll have an uncomfortable period as we learn how to do this (like having women in the workplace took time, as did mixed race marriages). And for a while couples may have to seek the professional advice and accept that it’s not yet seemless. Like medical progress when we accept a new drug to heal an illness, sometimes we have to live with the side effects for a decade or two. And we’ll do that because this solution is still way more comfortable and manageable than the illness itself.
My vision then is that divorcing and separating parents begin to see the fact that they have choice as a blessing. That they get philosophical and not vindictive. That they ask smart questions about how to progress, they agree to differ and keep the ‘legals’ out of family evolution. They move forward with respect and dignity, demonstrating to their children that some families require flexibility to perform at their best.
Seven years ago I had a brand new 14-week-old baby and I had to go back to work. I’d left my husband, bought a flat on my own and was striking out to support my little family as best I knew how. I was good at it. I had a great job, a good routine … then after 3 months back at work I was made redundant.
Well, with mouths to feed, nappies to buy, a nanny to finance and a mortage to pay, there was no resting-on-my-laurel allowed. So, I spent a month trying to find another salaried job. Nothing. I spent a month considering what I’d always wanted to do and there – ting! – was the answer to my dreams. I wanted to work for myself. I wanted to use what I knew to bring out the best in others. And from that very day, I began to strive towards that dream.
Just 3 months after that day, I had completed my first level of executive coaching training and had taken on my first client. My business grew steadily. My clients list grew and each year I learned more, shared more, invested more in myself. My client list continued to grow.
I’ve never been happier, more fulfilled or felt more in control of my future than since I’ve run my own businesses. On the same hand, I’ve never stretched, learned and challenged my own limited thinking about myself and my capabilities.
If you’ve ever considered taking this path for yourself – and let’s face it, we single parents need more flexibility around working hours and the ability to earn than most – then here’s some things that I’ve learned along the way. Here are my hard-learned top tips:
1. Do something you LOVE
Working for yourself is a steep learning curve and as much as you learn about the practicalities of business, you’ll learn about yourself too. If you’re putting yourself through this process you may as well be creating something you believe in, something that inspires you, something that you know you were born to share with the world.
2. Build a support network
There are days when I thought I’d never make the dream a reality. On those days my support network were invaluable – my dad, my friend Cherie, my coaches and my mastermind groups. Thank God for them! Be selective about who you share your dreams with – they can be shattered in a moment if those championing you are in any way threatened by your drive to succeed. Two, maybe three people at the most is all you need. If you don’t know the right people yet, just hold the intention for them to reveal themselves to you … stand back, and watch the magic!
3. Invest in yourself
Mindset is a huge part of succeeding in business, but you don’t just develop that overnight. Invest in your own development along the way. I used books, business coaches, seminars and mentors – and when I had enough spare money, I flew to the states to learn the latest new business theories from those at the forefront of their games. Did it pay off? In bucket loads!!
4. The marketing is more important than the mastery
You cannot run a successful business if nobody knows how brilliant your product or service is. If you have the choice of advancing your craft or increasing your marketing know-how, choose the latter. The most gifted doctor in the world will remain poor if he can’t get his name out to his prospective clients. Trust me on this one! Don’t get sucked in by schools or course ’sellers’ who tell you that if you increase your mastery your business will magically increase. Invest in marketing. As your business and client-base grow, you’ll learn along the way.
5. Embrace new technology
I know this one might scare you! Trust me, I’ve been going through this for years now. Just when I think I’veconquered my technology fears a whole other area of learning (and opportunity) opens up. For single parents the freedom that comes from running your own business – especially one where you work from home with huge flexiblity – is priceless. Face your fears! Keep up-to-date with email, internet, social media and your world-wide marketplace. It will change the way you do business. I will open new doors. It will empower you to ‘keep up with the kids’!
If you’ve ever considered setting up your own business as an Entrepreneur and a Single Mum, there are specific skills, processes and opportunities you’d be smart to know about. My Silver Success Circle teleclass in July will be covering this topic in detail. You can sign up at: http://www.successfulsingleparenting.com/SilverSuccessCircle/joinus.html
Jennifer Broadley is one of the UK’s top executive and corporate coaches and specializes in the publishing, media and entertainment industry. Her empowering results are punctuated through teaching Intuitive Action and the practical integration of Universal Law. She has also been a single parent for over 8 years and is passionate about encouraging great family, whatever the circumstances.
As I was waiting for the kettle to boil this morning I looked out of the patio doors, across to Montrose basin, where hundreds of thousand of geese arrived from Alaska last November to spend the winter in our warmer climate. They leave each morning to find a feeding ground (normally a grain or stubble field) and return to the basin (a tidal sea lake) as the sun’s setting.
It’s the first day of the second month of 2010. If you have a sense that your intuition is asking you to step up, to step out from your present crowd and to risk changing direction. Trust that!! 
“We don’t water the flower when it blooms, we water it so that it will” Naomi Aldort
What a rollercoaster of a week! I’ve been meditating and journaling my little cotton socks off for the last 7 days getting clarity around what I want for the rest of this month and for 2010.
You know, two weeks ago, I flew down to London to attend court as a character witness for a friend of mine who hadn’t seen his daughter for 9 whole months. He was (and still is) in conflict with his ex-wife – not one person more to blame than the other, just an extended family 5 years on with still-unresolved emotions. This is the part of divorce we have to get better at because without guidance these emotions become complex, then destructive, then spill over into irrational behavior and, worst case scenario, parental alienation. A damaging situation for all involved.
2. Build a support network
conquered my technology fears a whole other area of learning (and opportunity) opens up. For single parents the freedom that comes from running your own business – especially one where you work from home with huge flexiblity – is priceless. Face your fears! Keep up-to-date with email, internet, social media and your world-wide marketplace. It will change the way you do business. I will open new doors. It will empower you to ‘keep up with the kids’!